| Sunday, October 24th, 2004 |
| 9:01 am |
Rant, ho? No no, ranting ABOUT a ho.
Of course there has to be drama. It would be totally unreal if I could go to an event and just have fun. I KNEW it was bad news when I pulled up and she was there. -.- WTF. Jean has teched like NONE for this show, why the hell was she even there? She didn't even get her permission slip in on time! GAH! *stab* So I was already pissed about that... And then she proceeded to make the rest of the time unfun pretty much any time she opened her mouth. Why the hell does she have to challenge EVERY god damn thing I say? Know what? Half the time I'm talking I'm NOT asking for other views. And her ranting about how wrong I am doesn't freaking change my mind. She's just massively arrogant and any way that's not her own just CAN'T be right. It blows me away that she's become more CLOSE-MINDED from dating Jeremy than the opposite. I don't know how, but she's done it. I hate having someone around to nit-pick at anything I say that may not be fact. I seriously wonder if she's CAPABLE of keeping an opinion to herself. It doesn't seem it, she has to let the world know. Why? Because she loves attention. She neeeeeds attention. If she's not getting worship from somewhere it's sad Jean time! It's time to go pout and cause yourself mental problems because boo hoo obviously no one loves you. GET OVER YOURSELF. Seriously, what the hell? You cannot go through life going "well what's in it for ME" and expect things to be okay. There are other people in the world. But she'll have to be supported by her parents until she's like 25 and then she'll go off and have some shitty job in Santa Fe or something because she has no concept of independence. Gah! I cannot handle it! I'd love to just erase her out of my life. I don't need this. I don't have to take crap or be snubbed by someone like HER. ~_~ At least I don't ruin my life plans for some boy that I have no future with. I'm tired of all of this having to be repressed... but how the hell would I confront her? "You're too opinionated and snooty so please stay away from me"? Yeah. Right. *rips out hair* I don't know. I really don't. -.- |
| Saturday, October 23rd, 2004 |
| 7:25 pm |
Smelly.... Why do I end up feeling like such a horrible girlfriend just because I want to talk to him? *sigh* |
| Tuesday, October 19th, 2004 |
| 9:09 pm |
I meant to update this the other day but I never got around to it. Random quirky fact: His pants smell better after we fight. ... Yeah, I don't know. But it's true. |
| Sunday, October 17th, 2004 |
| 10:49 pm |
God fucking dammit... Scuse my while I throw myself off a cliff. Except right now I want to take him with me because it's not fair that I have to go alone. -.- *sigh* He whines about talking during peak hours but I can't reach him when it's not... BAH. |
| Friday, October 15th, 2004 |
| 1:03 am |
Poo on not being able to talk to Nathan tonight. ;_; |
| Monday, October 11th, 2004 |
| 11:02 am |
I feel bad for keeping him here... ... but I'd feel at LEAST as bad if he wasn't around all the time because I'm clingy. So what the hell do I even want? >.< If *I* don't even know... God damn. Well, what I really want isn't achievable for another 7-9 months at least. So fuck. Should I try to back off? Be online less myself so he doesn't feel obligated to be here so much? I don't know. *sigh* And I have no idea how to figure this one out. |
| Thursday, October 7th, 2004 |
| 6:05 pm |
Okay, getting scared and paranoid about the mouth problem... It hurt so bad this morning that I didn't want to move my mouth like at all, it's riduculous. Massively swollen and I think there is a funny white bump on each section. This can NOT be gums brushed too hard, and It's obviously not a canker sore or something... I dunno if I should go to the doctor or if I'm just overreacting. Poo. Guess I'll do what I said yesterday again... "see how it feels tomorrow". Hopefully it won't be any worse. Poo gas. Current Mood:  crappy |
| 12:35 pm |
~_~ How hard is it to be yourself. God damn. Meg can be really cool sometimes, but I REALLY wish she'd lay off trying to mimic me. It's frustrating. I wish she'd just grow up and be herself. But it's like she thinks that whoever "herself" really is, isn't good enough for the rest of us... I dunno. It's frustrating. If I'm such a horrible person and people whine about me so much, then why am *I* the one that everyone picks up weird little speech habits and such from? x_X |
| Wednesday, October 6th, 2004 |
| 11:28 pm |
Natalie Cole- I Miss You Like Crazy
Even though it's been so long My love for you keeps going strong I remember the things that we used to do A kiss in the rain till the sun shine through I tried to deny it but I'm still in love with you I miss you like crazy Ever since you went away Every hour of every day I miss you like crazy No matter what I say or do There's just no getting over you I can see the love shining in your eyes And there comes a such a sweet surprise If seeing is believing it's worth the wait So hold and tell me it's not too late We're so good together, we starting forever now I miss you like crazy I miss you baby Love like ours will never end Just touch me and we're there again Just one night And we'll have that magic feeling like we used to do Hold on tight and whatever comes our way We're gonna make it through And I miss you, I missed you All the chances that you gave me And a feeling gets this strong And then the real thing come along And I miss you I miss you like crazy baby Under your sweet love and take me I miss you like crazy I miss you like crazy No matter what I say or do |
| Tuesday, October 5th, 2004 |
| 11:22 pm |
Grr... How can one person make me not want to tech at all?! I hate that Jean decides to make herself the self-proclaimed boss and queen of tech... I don't mind taking orders from Josh or Milly or Irina or whatever, just because they don't have this snooty attitude about it; they just want the job done. Jean has this way of making herself seem way more important and totally better than the rest of us. Uncool. And on a different note, it's time for me to post lyrics since I really like this song... ( Snow Patrol - Run )I like that song regardless, but it really strikes a chord with my feelings as of today... which is interesting since it was playing when I pulled out of the bus station... |
| Monday, October 4th, 2004 |
| 11:56 pm |
Respecting perspective and crying over spilt milk
Why does the time Nathan is here go by so quickly no matter how long it is? He's NEVER here long enough no matter what, because in the end he's always going back to his REAL life and that's just not good enough to me no matter the length of time. *sigh* And it's really strange the different ways I react to him leaving, not necessarily in a decreasing order due to my adjusting to him leaving or something. This time around my emotions are very conflicted. Part of me feels so numb. So tired of the crying and the pain that ensues with the departure of my love... Tired of knowing that no matter how much I cry or pout or draw or write, he's still gone. And the other part of me just feels like it's collapsing upon itself all over again. Reminds me of that ancient myth of some God or another that was tied to the mountain so the bird could come and peck out his liver. It grew back... but only to be pecked out again. My stability is pecked out again by Nathan leaving? Yeah, I guess that's correct despite not being well put... I hate having to be so utterly dependent on him. He's the person I love with all my heart AND the only true person I can confide anything and everything without having to censore myself at all. But he's the best friend I've got, as well as the person I love with all my heart... and I guess I just have to come to terms with that for now. Maybe in college I'll find someone. But for now he's my all-in-one and I guess I should focus on being grateful that I've even got THAT. This is such a weird point in my life because I feel like time is moving in different intervals in different parts of my life. Senior year seems like it's going to be over before I know it... I'm so scared... And yet it feels like it's going to be a lifetime before I see Nathan next. Doesn't make any sense, but I guess I never expect life to be simple anyhow. I hate this part. Where part of me has to have my feelings for Nathan and his leaving, and part of me has to focus on putting my life back together the way it was before he visited. I have to remember the old routine... School and Olions and sleep and computer. The life that lacks something... the something that is so clearly him. And I also hate myself for feeling so badly about him leaving in a foreboding manner. I shouldn't bother hurting about it until it's DONE. He's not gone yet! I can cry tomorrow afternoon. And I know I will. But for now I should still be the happy bubbly giddy girl that I have been for the past 12 days that I've had my boyfriend and something resembling a normal relationship again. I don't know... guess I'll just keep growing up and keep waiting and things will fall into place how they're supposed to. I don't know what else I CAN do, so one day at a time until it's over seems like an okay pace for now. Current Mood:  contemplative |
| Sunday, September 19th, 2004 |
| 10:28 pm |
@_@ I have the best boyo ever that I am totally head over heals for. XD Good god this is a neat feeling. |
| Saturday, September 18th, 2004 |
| 3:10 pm |
FUCK Jean... How can someone who missed most of Sophmore year due to a sickness she created in her head over her parents divorce gripe about ME being sick all the time. If I feel like crap, I will PROBABLY write it in my journal. MY journal. For ME. I don't fucking ASK for her to read it. I don't have to censor myself for HER. Yeah, I am sick a lot. -_- I've got lots of problems that go unfixed. But at least all MY problems are real and not just in my head because I don't know how to cope with shit. I think I'm offically ready to take her off my friends list. ~_~ If she questions it, I'll just tell her that we both know she doesn't want to read my whining or sickness anyhow. God... when will she realize that just because something doesn't deal with her doesn't make it stupid and insignificant. I guess when the world stops being handed to her on a platter... god knows when that'll be. Current Mood:  pissed off |
| Friday, September 17th, 2004 |
| 10:36 am |
I am so tired of life right now it's ridiculous... but I'm not quite sure what to do to get out of this slump. ~_~ Hopefully I'll come out of it naturally when Nathan get here. Dunno. But being depressed and yucky feeling with no real friends and such makes it really hard to care about school... I've done a pretty good job of still turning in my assignments and such regardless... Except Debate. That's a horrible stressful class and I don't like it. Dun understand why everyone else did... But politics are NOT my thing. And I hate my partner. And it's just general ickiness... I needed all my electives to be pretty easy this year, and it doesn't seem like that's happening. I think I'm almost ready to take Jean off of my friends list... I really have no interest in anything she has to say lately, and it's not like she comments to me... or even reads it I bet. The only things she has to say to me in real life lately are snooty or negative or Jeremy~sounding or judgemental somehow. I'd really hoped that she'd get into the play so I could tech and she'd be out of my hair, but no such luck. *sigh* I dunno. And I'm really bothered that Jeremy seems to be shoving it in my face that he talks to my sister more than he talks to me lately. -_- Fuck him, good luck with her. *I* don't have that high a snooty bitch tolerance. Although I guess he does, dating someone as high maintenance as Jean. Time to e-mail Powell and see what I've missed... Current Mood: annoyed |
| Sunday, September 12th, 2004 |
| 7:50 am |
I thought my mood was "bad" when I woke up this morning... turns out it's really just contemplative. *shrug* Wonder what that means. |
| Saturday, September 11th, 2004 |
| 8:49 pm |
Things I must remember for this coming week: Write up debate paper Buy two books for psych. Have mum call Don Taylor again Get allergy shot!!!! Doctor appointment Wednesday Hair appointment Thursday |
| Wednesday, September 8th, 2004 |
| 11:08 pm |
Bah. I'm in a very bah mood tonight. Shouldn't be, because that movie was all neat and... yes. But I guess I get cranky when I'm frustrated from feeling like crap. I know that everyone is soooo tired of hearing me bitch about being sick. But if I can't be well, I can at least write about it in my journal. So fuck them for wasting their time reading it, or something. *grumble* I really am nervous to see how I feel when I wake up in the morning. But at least I got all my science craps done, I was suprised that a) t'was easy as it was and b) that I actually felt mentally okay enough to do it. Gyno appointment tomorrow, that should be exciting. ~_~ I still kind of wish I could tell her that I'm sexually active, but I'm too afraid what with my mum working there and... yes. Kerblah. I feel like nothing is really in my control right now and I don't know why. Fight Club gives a good description of what I'm feeling, only tacked to insomnia. Nothing seems real, and everything seems far away... The only thing continuously real to me is Nathan and my relationship with him. Thank GOD for him, he keeps my feet tacked to ground so I don't float away into the nothingness. Beware the Nothing! ... Wow, I haven't seen Neverending Story in forever, dunno where that came from. La de da, stupid 2 hour limit booting me... ~_~ Guess it's a really good thing that I didn't make call-backs, seeing as by tomorrow I'll probably have NO voice and I feel like total crap. So. I really do love the building and painting and making way more than I could see myself ever loving acting... It's just a... more Lizzish atmosphere. And I guess it's nicer because I get to be myself. And like all of the people that actually have the personality of a good actor/actress with the exception of... the guys... XP (Jean and Mary personalities) really I don't like or there's clashing... *shruggity* And now I'm going to stop rambling and... yes. |
| Wednesday, September 1st, 2004 |
| 10:37 pm |
Haven't written here in a few days... Guess I've felt the ability to share my feelings so I've just put everything in my other journal. School actually seems tackle-able. This is nice. I mean there are a couple classes already that I can tell I'm going to have to MAKE myself go to and not ditch and such... But as long as I can do that, I should be okay. And -_- I need to start being able to tell time and NOT get stuck behind a fucking concrete truck going 35-40 up truck route... that way I can be on time to Buckland. x_o I'm going to make a point of being there 10 minutes early tomorrow. Wee! Getting up is getting harder... I'm not having very restful sleep. =\ I really need to make a point of trying to make up for lost sleep on the weekends. I'm not superwoman and if I don't make up for it somewhere I'll just feel sluggish and poo and end up making myself sick. Blah... I guess I don't have anything else to say. I'm staying up because I feel the need to talk to Nathan, although I haven't even let myself in on as to what... *shrug* Oh well. ANYYYYHOOCH. Guess that's the end for now. |
| Sunday, August 29th, 2004 |
| 12:12 pm |
God fucking damn everyone and their stupid fucking drinking Current Mood: pissed off |
| 7:23 am |
The day the world stopped
Cool~ So that was like the most horrible dream ever... I still sort of shaking and having to convince myself that it was nowhere near real. *sigh* A bunch of us were hanging out at Peter's house and we heard about a party. So Peter, Sara, Emily, Nathan, and me all piled into two cars and we drove to the house it was at. O.o The house was actually my old house in Oklahoma... So it was fun for awhile, then we all sat down on the couch. Nathan sat at the other end of the couch next to Emily. I was like "O.o Okay, whatever." They sat down there and were talking and giggling and I was getting more annoyed by the moment. So I started talking to Sara about crap. Then I noticed that both Nathan and Milly were nowhere to be found. So I asked where they went and Sara shrugged and said somewhere... So I went on a quest, and searched the whole house, and finally I came back in the kitchen and there they were. They were huddled in a corner together sitting in one chair sort of fondling each other and talking quietly. So I storm over and tell Nathan that I want to leave and he says he wants to stay so they can smoke a bowl together and Milly nods vigorously. ... This is supposed to have taken place after he and I quit together, so that SERIOUSLY pissed me off. I told him that he needed to come with me because we had a serious problem. He sort of looked at me like he was contemplating... So I was ready to say screw it and just leave without him and deal with it in the morning. So I turned to them both and I looked at Nathan and was like "Well just don't FUCK her. -_-" And he sort of shrugged like it was no big deal... And that's when I felt like my world was over. It... was undescribably horrible. I felt like part of me had just fallen off and died. I woke up and bawled for a few minutes before I could convince myself that it was just a dream and it meant nothing and that would never happen... That was like the most horrible feeling I've ever experienced... I don't honestly think I could SURVIVE if Nathan and I actually had a falling out... especially not if it happened that way. Ohmygod. >.< I just can't... gah. It still sort of hurts slightly... I think I need to actually TALK to Nathan before my mind will completely let go and realize that it'll never happen that way. Gah. And obviously I couldn't post about this in my other journal because I was afraid it might make things awkward... ~_~ Bah. I'm gonna go get some cheese and a poptart and curl up with Nathan's pants and watch a movie or something to help distract me. Current Mood: gloomy |
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